I thought it would be fun to post the first page of each of the chapters from my first book. Click here for buy information. A Place to Stand is only $0.99!
There I was. It happened. The worst case scenario you never think of. It happened to me. My world had shattered in unimaginable ways. The person I loved most in this world was gone. In a flash. Just a moment was all it took. Gone. Never coming back. Never smiling at me again. Never chuckling at my insipid humor. Never nodding in agreement with my sarcastic, cynical rants. No more lustful smiles. Never seeing the look in his eyes that could reach me wherever I was and let me know that I was loved. I have to stop listing all the things I’ll miss.
You never think about what it will be like when they’re gone. You fall in love and you build a life together. You suffer through heartache and rejoice in life’s miracles together. You never, ever, think that you will, one day, go on living without the person who completed the other half of your soul. I know I never thought of it. I knew the day I met Ryan that he was my other half. I have always been fiercely independent. To the dismay of my parents, I made life choices when they felt right, even if logic said they were wrong. I sometimes think it scared them that I fell so hopelessly in love with Ryan and how fast I fell for him. And now… now here I am. Mourning him. Maybe it was all too fast. The candle burned too bright and couldn’t last. Had we loved each other too much? What happened was an accident. A moment in time. Wrong place, right time? Right time, wrong place? Only a moment.
The moment that would forever change my life is always on repeat in my mind. Like historic moments shared throughout the world. Where were you when Kennedy was killed? What were you doing when you heard about the World Trade Center attacks? In my own personal world, I would always know where I was when I heard. I would forever remember the details I drilled out of the messenger who bore the worst I would ever experience. My life ended in that moment. I wish it had ended, anyway. I don’t know how I am supposed to move on with life. I always thought that when death parted us we would be nearly 100 years old. That if we parted by death, I wouldn’t be far behind him or him far behind me.
I want everything to end. Essentially it had. But here I am. Still breathing. Living in the physical sense of the word. My heart beats. My lungs process oxygen into my bloodstream. My eyes see. My ears hear. Living. Just barely. My body takes in air so essentially I’m breathing.
Why does it feel like my chest has permanently caved in? Why do my hands and legs feel numb all the time? Why is my head foggy? All the functions of my body work. But yet, nothing works. Life goes on. The sun rises and sets. Time passes. Why couldn’t I follow where he went?
Why do I think this way? Would he want me to think this way? No. I knew the answer to that one question. The only thing Ryan would have wanted was for me to be happy. He would have told me to live. Go on with life. Be happy. But he didn’t get that chance. We didn’t get to talk about any of this before it happened. I know (knew) him. I know his mind. He knew mine. Live. Be happy. It would have been a very serious face he gave me when he meant what he was saying. I could almost visualize the small half-grin he would give after being so serious. He would wait for that recognition in my face that let him know I was taking his point to heart, then would come that half-grin.